The friend who wrote to us is going through a harmful and painful experience that has trapped her. But why did a relationship that seemed perfect end up in this labyrinth?
What happens
On the reasons that push a boy (and a man) to betray repeatedly her young companion, on whom we will focus later. We now want to examine her situation and understand how she can get out of the trap.
The mechanisms at play
Love is trust, loyalty, consistencymutual understanding. In Marty’s relationship, there is none of this. But she can’t stop this unbalanced relationship. Here are some possible reasons.
- He believes that the power of love can overcome any challenge.
- She is afraid to face life alone.
- He hopes that his partner can redeem himself and become faithful.
- She developed an emotional dependence on him and the thought of not having him anymore destroyed her.
- She takes responsibility for the events, thinking that she has a bad temper that pushed her partner into the arms of others.
- She feels like a miracle that such a “super”, courted by everyone, has deigned to take an interest in her.
Each of these motivations contains within itself ithe seed of sufferingmainly self-imposed by the betrayed partner who tries to give himself excuses to maintain a precarious and illusory state of affairs.
When Forgiveness Hurts
What happens when they deny themselves to save a situation that is leaking from all sides? pardon ok once, but not every time. It thus becomes a doomed act that generates unhappiness. Yet, how many women suffer from a similar condition? For the quiet life of the family, to keep a partner who is their shield against loneliness, because we know that men are made like that, many accept and forgive escapades, deceptions, affairs and stable lovers (not so guilty but often disillusioned and bitter).
- THE worst damage It is convincing yourself that you are not worth enough and that you therefore deserve that the other person seeks enriching distractions: “It is better to let him do it, as long as afterwards he comes back to me who is worth so little that if he did not want me, I would not find anyone else.
- There satisfaction what we feel when he comes “home”, or shows that he prefers us to other women, is the miserable gratification based on the thought of having for her the man that everyone would want: “He’s coming with you but he’s mine!”.
- THE pain Feeling betrayed is great, but it becomes devastating when you tolerate accepting a serially unfaithful partner. And it leaves indelible scars, capable of influencing your entire emotional life: getting used to betrayal erodes the ability to trust someone, even after the relationship ends.
A dangerous habit
But those who get used to betrayal also get used to endurance and to resignation. Two terms objectively incompatible with serenity and the joy of living. We settle for the crumbs of what we hoped would be perfect love. All it takes is for him to take us out for pizza and we start to believe that he can change by stopping looking for adventure.
Because he seeks adventure
THE serial cheater he likes to feel desired. Added to this is the euphoria of conquering other women, as if they were trophies that make him feel unique, strong, beautiful, sought after for his sex appeal. Basically, he is an insecure person who seeks approval, but he has within him the spirit of the boy who disobeys.
- He enjoys clandestine adventures break the rules, everyday life, the quiet life he finds boring and stifling. The traitor gets drunk on the spicy taste of “it can’t be done, but I can”, “it can’t be done, but I do it” and above all ““Nobody says no to me”.
- If his official partner tolerates his behavior, the serial cheater finds an additional one. confirmation of his power: “She is always there, because she loves me with devotion”. A bit like a mother who always forgives, even after the kid has set fire to the curtains, pulled up the newly planted violets and thrown the pencil case at the teacher.
What to do, how to react
Whatever the traitor’s motivations – and knowing them does not mean justifying them – what matters to us is finding a way to break the chain of suffering of those who tolerate betrayals.
- Ask for help: It is the way to find the strength and clarity needed to free ourselves from the trap. Talking sincerely with an understanding friend, a protective sister, a helpful aunt helps us identify the weight we have placed on our heart. Using the ability to listen and pay attention own women’s network It is a powerful act of “healing.”
- Stop hoping to change him: you just have to always be compliant, you just have to always be ready to welcome it, you just have to think that “I will change it with the power of my love.” No one changes unless they want to of their own free will.
- Breaking Emotional Dependence: It is not easy, but it is vital. Unfortunately, this dependency is the reason why too many women accept physical and psychological abuse. To regain balance, self-esteem and dignity, the resort to psychotherapyor at least to a listening center for women, which can help to correctly formulate the problem.
It is important to convince yourself that trust and respect Mutuals are essential to build and maintain a strong and secure emotional relationship. Otherwise it is not love but it is waiverpassive acceptance, humiliation, self-denial. And none of us deserve it.
The decisive gesture
But the decisive (and revolutionary) gesture is put yourself in the center of your world. It’s not selfishness, it’s self-defense.
- It’s necessary cultivate interestsgo out, see people, learn new things, have fun, treat yourself, in short, exist regardless of your partner.
- The key is to focus on yourself realizationby investing in themselves, their desires and their talents. We are worth more than anything, more than the one who pampers us, more than the comforting idea of being in a relationship, more than the apparent tranquility that we pretend to reign over us.
- If we have childrenLet us think about what we are transmitting to them: submission, resignation, being content with a little affection. It is enough to create an explosive mixture in the mind of a young person who is growing up.
The decisive test
Let’s try turn the situation around and imagine that we are the little butterflies flying from flower to flower, having adventures and flirtations, then coming back to him saying “You have to understand me, they don’t mean anything to me, I only love you!”. How would he react? Maybe scream and go back to his parents!
Let’s think carefully about our needs and take stock of the pros and cons of continuing to be with a serial cheater: they are at stake. respect and consideration that we have for ourselves, as well as the vision of our future and our value. And that is not nothing.