Preadolescence is a phase which, according to many parents, makes them definitively regret those known two terrible,. In this very delicate moment, located between childhood and true adolescence, our sons and daughters suffer notable transformationsfrom the most visible from a physical point of view to the most hidden from an emotional and behavioral point of view. Coping with preadolescence This can be difficult for us, parents, not yet ready for the idea that what we have in front of us is no longer our little boy or our little girl but an individual who is growing up very quickly, aspiring to ever greater independence.
In this article we will address the topic of preadolescence, studying its typical behaviors and providing some advice for us parents, and we will do it with Dr. Miolì Chiung, psychologist and president of the Salem Center, in Milan.
Preadolescence: why our children change and when
If we complained about the whims of two terriblehaving to insist on being listened to, disorder in the bedroom, constant troubles between nursery and nursery, once we reach preadolescence, we would like to be able to have a time machine to the time when children were puppies with a few little whims!
While we wait for one DeLoreanit is better to prepare, to inform ourselves, so as not to passively and critically endure our children’s pre-adolescence but, on the contrary, to be their support but also their guide when necessary.
“Preadolescence is a phase of life characterized by profound psychological changeswhich anticipate the challenges of today’s adolescence. This period, which generally extends from 9 to 13 years oldis a crucial time for the development of a child’s identity and emotional and social skills. Understanding the processes that occur on a psychological and emotional level during this phase is fundamental for parents, who often find themselves navigating between demands for autonomy and sudden needs comfort from their children.
From a psychological point of view, preadolescence is a period of identity restructuring. At this stage, children begin to break free from the dependence of childhood and move toward greater independence, while trying to understand who they are and what their place is in the world. This process is influenced by increasing comparison with peerswhich becomes a key element for the formation of self-esteem and a feeling of belonging.
Understanding the changes of preadolescence
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, not all of our boys and girls go through this phase at 9 and end it at 13, and even fewer do not exhibit the same changes that sometimes leave us adults stunned or nostalgic.
Our interest as parents in these middle years is also evident in the recipes of the famous Inside Out 2 which, although it was made for those in puberty, has allowed many parents to dust off for themselves emotions felt decades earlier. skin .
The animated film was a huge success, among other things, because little is said about these short but intense middle years, even though they are a dress rehearsal for what will happen next for the children and their families. The film was a great opportunity for families to interact. The protagonist, from evening to morning, shows huge changes, becoming almost unrecognizable to mom and dad.
Here’s what Dr. Miolì Chiung tells us about the changes we could see in this transition phase.
“The main psychological transformations of preadolescence include:
- identity development;
- search for autonomy;
- internal conflict.
Identity development: preteens begin to question themselvesexploring new dimensions of his personality. They face complex questions related to their identity, which lead them to experience changes in behavior and mood.
Search for autonomy: need for independence this is one of the central aspects of this phase. Children begin to desire greater emotional distance from their parents, but at the same time continue to need security and guidance.
Internal conflict between the desire to belong and individuality: on the one hand, preadolescents try to integrate into the peer group, conforming to social norms. On the other, they explore their uniquenessoften by questioning the limits imposed by parents.
Let’s also remember that when hormones come into play, the changes have a big impact. Let’s think about the first period in girls, which can still be a cause of embarrassment between peers. Or, in the case of men, a sudden increase in size, a change in voice, facial skin, all factors that can cause fear or discomfort due to a change they do not expect. weren’t waiting. Girls and boys, until the previous summer, may find themselves faced with physical changes for which they are not ready, and for our part, observing them, listening to them, without intrusion, is the starting point.
How to respond to our children’s pre-adolescence
Even if everything happened faster than expected, from the weaning plate spilled on the floor to the thousand clichés of the first day of primary school, you can’t be caught off guard when things get tough! Our support, our closeness will not be accessories, because our children will live with a back and forth of needs: those aimed at moving away from the family and those to still feel protected as children.
What should we do about such changes and what are the symptoms of real age-related distress? We give the floor to Dr Miolì Chiung who also guides us by providing clear and precise advice.
“First, we must recognize the internal conflict. Preteens oscillate between the desire for independence and the need for security, and parents can support them by recognizing and accepting this ambivalence, providing a safe space where children can explore their emotions.
Furthermore, we must value the exploration of identity, because it is important let the children experiment new aspects of their personality and preferences, even if this involves moments of uncertainty. The function of the parent in this phase is to be a “safe base” from which to start, without imposing rigid definitions of their identity.
There are also signs of discomfort or stress in preadolescence that we must try to understand. Preadolescence, with its many challenges, can represent a moment of psychological vulnerability. Children are exposed to heightened emotions, also due to hormonal changes, and may have difficulty regulating their emotional reactions. Parents’ job is to hone their ability to recognize signs of distress, which can manifest themselves in subtle ways or through more obvious changes in behavior.
Pre-adolescence: what are the signs of discomfort?
Here are the symptoms of age-related discomfort:
- irritability or withdrawal;
- changes in social behavior;
- somatic disorders.
-Irritability or withdrawal: often, pre-adolescents do not openly express their discomfort, but manifest it through irritability or isolation. These behaviors may be signs of untreated emotional difficulties.
-Changes in social behavior: Withdrawal from friend groups, avoidance of social activities, or greater reliance on electronic devices may be indicators of internal distress.
-Somatic complaints: at this age, emotional stress can also manifest itself through physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach pain or difficulty sleeping.
How to intervene in these cases?
I recommend reacting with empathy and emotional regulation, parents must act as an “emotional mirror” for their children. Through empathy, they can helping preteens name their emotions and understand that it is normal to feel confused or overwhelmed. Helping them regulate these emotions is crucial for their psychological development.
We must also ensure that we implement conscious involvement, i.e. be present without invading. Providing support does not mean trying to solve every problem, but creating a space where children can express how they feel, knowing that they will not be judged. »
What to do: the importance of dialogue
If there is one piece of advice that reigns supreme over everyone, when as a family we are also faced with other conflicts and more generally in other contexts, it is dialogue. This simple word could be, even alone, the answer to the question of what to do when faced with a sudden preadolescence with behaviors and changes that scare us or that distort the image we have always had of our children. Even if it may seem trivial, there is no expert who does not educate parents to create and strengthen clear, honest and constant dialogue with their sons and daughters, from a very young age. Yet many of us continue to confuse dialogue with interrogation or demand it when, first, we have always denied or trivialized it. Dialogue is by no means a banal strategy, as it may seem, but an important element of the present and future of our children. Its roots run deep and go back to childhood.
Let’s finish with Dr. Chiung’s advice. on the dialogues.
“It is important to encourage open communication as a secure foundation in the parent-child relationship. Preadolescence is a period when communication with children becomes more complex. Children oscillate between the desire for independence and the need to maintain a secure bond with their parents. The ability of parents to create a open, sincere and non-judgmental communication channel it is a crucial factor in maintaining a trusting relationship.
How to promote authentic communication?
With a unconditional acceptance: The basis of effective communication is acceptance. Preteens need to know that their parents accept them as they are, even in times of conflict or misunderstanding. This reinforces their sense of security and encourages them to express themselves without fear of rejection.
With a active, non-directive listening: The tendency of parents is often to provide unsolicited solutions or advice. However, tweens benefit from listening that prioritizes their voice, without attempting to immediately correct or judge their emotions.
With the modeling vulnerability: Parents can lead by example, showing that vulnerability is an integral part of human relationships. Sharing your struggles or uncertainties appropriately can help your children feel freer to express their emotions.